You stay - So you must like it!

Every time I read that line above, I feel a heated sensation come over me, and even today, many years later, remembering it being flung at me, still stings me to the point of tears coming to my eyes. Bare with me reader, because this is a tough one. I've been staring at it for months, and every time I try to tackle it, my mind propels me back. Back to a time, that I too, was a victim or domestic violence - abuse. I must admit, I have my reservations for writing it. Because of the ugliness of it, part of me feels that I should leave it in the past. Also, because there are people that I dearly love, this article may offend - as well the man who was once guilty of it. And though the odds are rare that a man can turn away from such behavior, that is destructive to so immediately effected by it; He has done just that, and has been forgiven for the acts. So I grapple with the whys of doing it. But then again, though it is indeed apart of my past, my present and future is ever effected by it.

Everyday, I see, think and experience problems that are a result of that time. And I'm not always sure of how to deal with it. Often, it manifest itself in ways that only bring me more pain. One area is, my capacity to trust in others, as well as in myself. My ability to trust is sorely damaged. Perhaps to the point of non-repair. Which is one hell of a punishment for someone like me. Because all of my life, I've dreamed of nothing but the ideal family. Having that one man, husband... who was indeed, my better half. My soul-mate.

If you would allow me please to go back a bit... to a time when I still believed in dreams and the building of what I perceived would be the perfect family, home and unit. Perhaps as I do this, you too will see the irony, and the fact that perhaps I was doomed from the start. Or rather, my dream of that..."The Perfect Family" doomed from the start. What started out as an ideal family life; I'm speaking of my family from which I originated, mother and father... three brothers before me. Where I was the baby, and doted upon by all those above mentioned... and yes spoiled. I admit, if things had remained as they started off, I might have turned out to be quite a snooty young girl, lady and women. Stuck up maybe even? Who knows, because things did not remain the same. Because this is about my experience with domestic violence, I won't go into what led to my parents divorce; but note that they did get one. Forcing my mother to flee her small Mississippi hometown to the big city of Chicago, and bring me, her only daughter along with her. Because she felt a daughter should be with her mother, and my father stopped her from bringing my brothers as well. So it was just the two of us for awhile.

And it is at that point, that my pampered life and circumstances forever changed. Being under constant stress, depression, pain and misery of having lost her family, and home... my mother began to take on a personality that left little room for error on my part. And so, my punishments for error slowly climbed from being yelled at, to being harshly disciplined. And so the cycle began. For some reason, I noted, that I had gone from being loved and doted on, to being a problem child. Always doing something wrong. Always being yelled at, or whipped for errors made. Losing something, braking something, burning something, ruining something... for not eating my vegetables, for eating something I shouldn't have... for giving something away to someone or thing, I felt less fortunate than us - my mother and I. And I guess, having known love... and what it felt like, I began to miss it. Again I state, and so the cycle began. Trying ever so hard, to be loved again, but always failing. As I grew older, so did my transgressions grow, and so my punishments grew more severe to be equal to my crimes. Trying to make this long story short, all I wish to say here is... it's amazing, that after so many beatings, you can actually endure the physical pain of it without crying out. Even to the point of taunting the disciplinarian..."Is that all? You feel better now? Surely you can do better than that?" Had it not been for the interception of my stepfather, that taunt might have gotten me killed. Yelling to my mother, "Are you crazy!! What are you doing?!" At the same time he grabbed her wrist, twisting it to take the butcher knife from her she snatched up following my taunt. That scared me enough and taught me, that you should always keep taunting sarcasm to yourself when getting whipped, it could get you killed. I think I was thirteen by the time this one occurred.

So what am I getting at? I believe that I was being conditioned for the violence yet to come. Again, the cycle had begun. All of a sudden, by my actions of always choosing to be on the streets away from home as much as possible; I recognized my home which should have been a haven from the storm of the world and life - was anything but. In my heart, not yet mature enough to realize it in my mind, I had given up on finding the one thing I lacked in my life - there... and that was love. For some reason, there was something wrong with me that I was no longer worthy of it. So I turned off any effort to be a contributing member in my home. I did just enough to be left alone, so that I could escape to the streets where I seemed to be more accepted, liked... and so, certainly out there, I would also find love...right? After all, I was attractive. And certainly this would aid me to finding that one true source of love, surely it would. I already had it in my mind, what I would be like as a wife and a mother. I just needed to find that one man who would love me, so that I could begin building that "Perfect World"

So, at the ripe age of 12, I made my choice. Yes, I know what you're thinking reader, why was such a thing even on my mind at 12? Well, because of so many things that were left out of my telling to keep it as short as possible, I wasn't a 12 year old mentally, just physically. And though I was mature for my age; I was not wise. Wisdom comes from following sound guidance and direction. It comes from positive and wise role models, while associating with those of this description. Experience and age, trial and error. Learning from lessons and mistakes, by recognizing them and then making the appropriate corrections. So wisdom takes a while to acquire. Something no 12 year old comes even close to having. Now after having said that... did I chose well?

With my ears ringing, and a air/wind whirring blowing through my head, finally breaking through the clearing fog, I could hear sobbing with the ringing. My eyes opened to blurred vision, that also cleared to see my husband bent over me. He was crying, sobbing and scared to death. I didn't understand what was going on or why. And so I lay on the floor just staring up at him, wondering at his emotional display. It took a few moments for my mind to recall, but finally it did. I remembered. We had been fighting. He'd choked me until I'd passed out, and thought he had killed me. I remembered. Upon realization that I was not dead, but was waking up, the "Surry's" began. I sat up and the room spun. Our 3 year old daughter was standing in the bedroom doorway crying, "Mommy - mommy!" I stared at her a moment, then crawled over to her in confused panic. Not knowing what I would do now. Slowly in my mind, I began to realize...he almost killed me. This time, he'd almost killed me.

The other fights before this, the beatings...they had been bad, even though I defended myself and fought back every time. Quickly tiring against his strength to end up having to run to escape more injury or worse. But this time, he had almost killed me. It left a very frightened, and bitter taste in my mouth. Because I had no clue as to what to do? As I stood, I picked my daughter up with me, and stumbled almost falling. My arm hurt, because it was broke at the wrist and in a cast. For once an injury that he "Did not" inflict. I walked into the bedroom and looked in the crib at our 5 week old baby daughter. She was asleep. I didn't know how I would get passed him and out the door. Nor did I know where we would go if I got passed him out the door. That night I was lucky. Someone had called the police. They were knocking at the door. Not making excuses, when they asked me what happened, I told them the truth. He was arrested and taken to jail on post. He was military.

I was 18. A high school drop out. Mother of two. A 3 year old and a 5 week old baby. Stuck in an abusive marriage. At that time, there were no shelters. I had no job skills. No family in which to flee to. And no money what so ever to support us, were I to leave. Which I wasn't... there was no where to go. So I was free for 72 hours, and then he would be back home. Early the next morning, my neighbor, and "Friend" came over to check on me. Looking back, I wonder sometimes was it to see how badly I would be bruised this time. Because as we sat discussing, and me thanking her for calling the police. She shook her head stating. "I don't know why you stay with him!" She was the first person to make that observation, but certainly not the last. Because of her tone. Her age, being that she was 23 to my 18, educated. With sterling office skills and training. And a superior attitude to my plight, I was immediately confused as to how to answer her. Giving none immediately, she continued to say. "You should see about getting yourself some help. Because one of these days, there maybe no one to call the police, and then what?!" Shaking her head, she stood. "Well I just came to see if you were all right." I too stood, with her question spinning in my head. And I knew the answer, but the answer I would give her, is not the one she wanted to hear. My eyes watered with the helpless, aloneness that I felt. Walking her to the door, shifting my daughter to lay over my shoulder, I thanked her again for calling the police. She stopped in the doorway before her departure and left me with this statement.

"You really do need to get some help for yourself. Because if a man ever dared do something like this to me, I would be gone so fast his head would spin. But you stay, so you must like it! I've heard of women like that, but I never thought you were that way." Shaking her head, she walked out the door, down my three steps and across the driveway to her peaceful home. Where she reigned as queen, and set the rules, and ran her world. I backed away, closed the door. Went back to my chair, sat down... began rocking my baby, who didn't need it... she was sleeping. And I began to cry. I cried because there was no one there for me. No one I could talk to who understood what it meant to be me...who I was, where I was - alone. My past life had placed me under obligations that I had made to myself. One of them being, coming from a divorced home, that I would never divorce... no matter what! Not knowing at the time I made the spoken declaration, what I would be up against.

Thousands of miles away from home. One in which I could not return to. With no money. No skills. No high school diploma. No driving license, because I had dropped out of school. Desperate to be loved. Low self-esteem. In love with a man, as much as I was afraid of him. A three year old, and a baby. No shelters. No outreach programs. Just - alone. And then also to be told, that I stayed, because I liked getting beat up! So I needed help. Obviously in her eyes... I was crazy. And now, years later.

Here I am... no longer being abused. Still married to the same man. Three children, grown and out of the home. Educated...with skills. High School diploma. Student at a local technical college. And no longer alone...not be any means. I now coordinate my home. And were this man to even consider again, laying his hands on me... which he hasn't in quite some time... I - would - be - gone!! In that - there are still no guarantees... because I am not the little girl in this I once was. So, having said that, what's the point of me giving my opinion on this topic? I have something to say to all of you with your own opinions on why "We" the victims of Domestic Violence stay.

First... do not judge us! If you have not walked in my shoes. You are by no means in a position to answer or state WHY. If you can look down your nose with high indignity assuming that "We" are simply "Low Class" and so this is why it happens. I pity you! Because "We" the strong will survive. It hurts me even today, to see people who have come from a loving, balanced home with both parents... not all... but for the most part...both parents. Who have nurtured you. Embraced you. Loved you. Fed, clothed and surrounded you with the warmth of a safe haven that no one could dispute. Praised and encouraged you to strive for being the very best of what you would chose to be. It hurts me to see, that you have been entertained, taken on family outings - have romped and played, laughed and participated in school events that prepared you for a future, while giving you a stable past. When you were children, you lived as children do, and should. When you were teenagers, you progressed into adulthood with the memory of pep rallies, proms, dances and dates.

And let me just insert that I am fully aware, that there are those of you, who feel as you do... who did not have all of the above mentioned, nor the "Ideal" life. Where you too lacked needs in your young life. So I just want to acknowledge that I am aware of that.

But having this great fortune in your lives, I fail to understand how you can be so opinionated and cool towards persons less fortunate. Because believe it or not, there are many abused women who would change their lot in life if they knew how. If they too were encouraged, informed. Educated... -(and this is not to say that educated women aren't abused...because they too are)- but today there are now installed many means in which one can reach out for help. And yet still, there are situations where women are trapped. Due to many reform programs, and governmental structures; just as many have been freed - so many more get trapped. It's a vicious circle and cycle of events that most victims don't see swirling around them. So many laws that leave the victim exposed, and the criminal free that trap them. Fear - I believe is the number one ingredient that traps - for so many reasons. Doubt - is another, it's hard to believe in yourself, when you have no worthy accomplishments to attest to. Finances - money is the keeper, and the key to set one free. Majority of women in this situation has little or none. Protection - once free, are you really? Unfortunately, as good as a restraining order is, it's worthless if he gets to you and leaves before the law arrives, that is... if the law is even made aware of the act. And if there are Children - as much as they need to be out of that environment, they too will keep you there. I mean, who wants to walk the streets with their children? Exposing them to the hidden dangers of the unknown? Unsure of the next meal? Add to the list, Depression - feelings of Unworthiness - Pride - because of not wanting to hear... "I told you so!" / "You made your bed." / "You knew what he was before you married him." / "That's what you get for thinking you know so much!" and so on, and so on, and - so - on.

Regardless of the reasons she can't find it in her to leave, the answer is not to criticize. But sympathize. Inform. Reach out. Be an ear without criticism. Because you really don't know, nor are you in a position to judge... because frankly speaking, life is hard. And it's even worse depending where you're born, and who you have as parents. Every decision in life that we make, will place us at a certain point in our future. And many, if they had known, I guarantee you this... what they now know, would not make the same decisions again. But we all know what they say about hindsight. So instead of tearing someone down, who is feeling low enough. Why not be encouraging? Understanding? Why not offer a number to call? A program to join? A help group W.A.D.V ? A shelter from the storm? Companion to the children? Just a shoulder to lean on? Without harsh accusations and criticism. I guess what I'm trying to say is... no need to tear down what's already torn to the ground. Now is the time to build up. And what you say to a person in need, can make all the difference in the world... or their world a darker place.

Special thanks to Dawn a WADV member for providing this comic strip
that is not at all funny. But hopeful.

Before I go any further, I would just like to add this one very important point. The stereotyping needs to stop.

This quote from someone who knows... Thank you Deb - You're right!

Though my back ground was one that stemmed from lower middle class, and then having to leave school, by no means, does this mean that no other would fall under this category. My opinion is directed towards those with high opinions and ideas as to how we got here. And why we've stayed, or have not yet found the means to leave. As well the opinion on why we chose such a mate to begin with. Just to make all aware... There are "Lawyers - Police Officers - College Professors - Senators and lucrative business men who abuse!" Not just black men, Mexicans - the poor and under priviledged.

I asked above, had I chosen well, at the age of 12? Let's just say, that I'm one of the lucky ones. Coming from where I did, along the way... I picked up a little here, and a little there, that some how helped me make it through. Gave me what I needed to not only survive, but strive for better. My strongest best source... "Our Creator!" And because of him, not matter what... I will never be bitter for the hard learned lessons in my life... because it is all of those things that have made me what I am today. Not saying that that's all good...LOL - because now today, many consider me a hellion. Strong of opinion. Strong in my stand. And stubborn as all get out and one who refuses to take any mess - anymore! It's all about respect. Give it to me, and I'll give it to you. Easy formula - and it doesn't take an Einstein to figure that out.

I'm Mercedes Keyes. You can disregard all that you read, and not give it another thought...because the world will spin on. This after all, is just a web-page, with another one of "My opinions."

I dedicate this page to all victims of Domestic Violence, whether they are from Poor, Middle class, or Rich backgrounds. No matter how they fell into it, my prayer is that all be free of it. Special thanks to Mel, Ann, Deb, Dawn, Lori, Kathy and others for their listening ear... kindness & sisterly kinship! United we stand!!!

Entry: March 2001

Current update: 2002

It just didn't work, I tried to stay but there are just some things done, that cannot be fixed... especially if the person who helped to break it, doesn't apply the correct tools to mend it. Our divorce has been finalized - and I spent that entire day crying, because even though it couldn't be fixed, it hurt like HELL having to throw it away...over 21 years flushed. And now, I'm on to a new life, and a new beginning.

For the safety of women and children - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Women Against Domestic Violence - http://www.wadv.org/wadv1.htm

Jennese Center, empowering women towards change - http://www.jenesse.org/